An immodest proposal

To whom it may concern,

I am writing regarding employment with your company.

For the past four months, I’ve been unemployed and job-seeking. Even for the first six weeks, when I had severance pay and was not required to look for work, I applied for jobs. I want to work. Unfortunately, your company – along with several others – has declined to hire me. What’s more, nearly three dozen other companies have failed to respond to my resumes and cover letters at all. This is discouraging. I know that you are busy. People with jobs generally are. However, I am sure that I’m not the only job seeker who would like to receive a response – any response – to my query.

What does this have to do with anything? Well, I’m seeing a need here – a need that many HR departments are likely too busy to fulfill. And, let’s face it, no one likes to be the bearer of bad news – except someone who really needs a job. With my seven years of creative writing and editing experience, preceded by nine years of dealing with the general public in retail and customer service positions, I feel that I am uniquely qualified to assist you in this matter. Simply provide me with a list of the addresses, email or otherwise, of your rejected candidates, and I will draft a personal response for each interested applicant. Below are some samples.

Courteous and encouraging:

Thank you for your interest in Our Company. After reviewing your credentials, we have decided to focus on other candidates. We wish you the best of luck in your job search.

Brutally honest:

We don’t regret to inform you that you are not in the least qualified for this position. Seriously, did you even READ the ad? We wish you the best of luck in your job search, because you're sure going to need it.

Mystical:

Fortune Cookie Say: You will have good luck in your personal affairs. However, you will have lousy luck in your business affairs. Starting now, in fact.

Fortune Cookie Say: Wealth without wisdom is a fool’s paradise. Since you do not have wisdom, you will receive no wealth from us.

The Magic 8-Ball says: “It is certain” that you will not be hired by us. Do not “ask again later,” either.

Literary:

The CEO's daughter
Just got her B.A.
Position has been filled

Our ad says "Degree required"
We are not kidding
Call when you earn one

Before working for us
Try working on your resume
‘Cause it blows

You say you're a writer?
My dog could write
A better cover letter

And one for after the first interview:

We said we liked you
But we were just making
Polite conversation

There are plenty more where those came from, believe me. Should you review my qualifications and determine that we are a good fit, I would expect a competitive salary, a fortune cookie allowance, and a Magic 8-Ball for my desk…and, of course, an explanation of why you didn’t hire or call me in the first place.

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you this time.

Sincerely,

Anithe