Dreams vs. reality

Over the summer, I had occasion to do a bit of work-related research at the local bookstore. It soon became apparent that I'd arrived in the middle of Story Time, and quite a well-attended one at that, with at least twenty small children and their accompanying parents. This was shortly after my maternity leave ended, and I was feeling a little nostalgic about being at home with the kids. I idly thought, "Oh, how nice. I wish I could take my kids to Story Time midmorning on a weekday" and then went about my research and trotted back to work.

For a while, anyway. Be careful what you wish for, because you might up with plenty of time in your schedule for weekday Story Times. Right before Thanksgiving, I was on the receiving end of the "We're restructuring. Without you. Do you need some boxes?" speech. Well, yahoo! Happy holidays!

Now, overall, I think I am doing pretty well with all this. (It took some quiet reflection time and a lot of chocolate ice cream to get to that point, but still. Humor me.) Officially, the position was eliminated, so I am "unemployed," not "fired." I have severance through the end of the year, and there are certainly worse things than being unemployed with severance during the holiday season. Daycare is willing to be flexible with the kids' attendance schedule. And if I don't find another job by January (as seems most likely; I imagine most HR managers have their hands full with employees trying to blow through flexible spending accounts and accrued vacation time before the end of the year), I can collect unemployement benefits while I'm searching. Which is good, considering, you know, we just BOUGHT A HOUSE.

My subconscious, however, is freaking right the hell out, and has been tormenting me with anxiety dreams, each displaying new and exciting dimensions of inadequacy. In one dream, I was trying to explain to CPS that I did not let the children play in the basement, but they did not believe me and were threatening to take them away. In another dream, Dragon was yelling at me for not doing the dishes correctly; I didn't have anything else to do, after all. In yet another dream, I was attending a job fair (held at the office of my former employer, no less) and was offered a position that paid $5 an hour and involved rinsing a sidewalk with a hose. I was required to start immediately, and someone yelled at me for not using the hose correctly. So far, my subconscious has not provided me with visions of my kids shivering and crying for food, but I'm sure that one's coming soon. Maybe for a special occasion, like Christmas Eve.

I think my subconscious is right. About some things, anyway. I don't even let the kids go in the basement, we take turns washing the dishes, and I hope I would be considered way overqualified for a sidewalk-rinsing position. But overall, it's got the right idea. Finding a job isn't easy. It may take a while. Once I get another job, I'll have to adjust to a new workplace and loads of unfamiliar people. This is scary. And WE JUST BOUGHT A HOUSE. Boy Wonder loves his blue bedroom. The boys will probably have to go to a new daycare, because their current one? Was close to work, of course.

But for now, I'll have to let my subconscious do the heavy worrying. The boys are still attending daycare two days a week, to keep some sort of routine going, but on the days they're home with me, I can't be crouching in a corner tearing at my hair and wondering about how I'm going to support them if I don't find another job immediately. (You're welcome for that lovely mental image. It's a gift, really.) And on the days that they're at "school," as we call it, I'll be looking for that other job. I've always been proud of being able to leave work, and any bad moods associated with work, at the office. I don't let job stress come home with me. My job is not my life.

So, not having a job? That's not my life, either. For now, I'll live it. Sure, I'll comb the classified ads and every job-seeking website I know of, visit the local career center, and try valiantly to think of people I know who have contacts at other relevant companies. But I'll also spend time with the kids, enjoy having Christmas off without having to burn vacation days, and maybe get some things done around the house.

We might even go to Story Time.