Let my spam filter entertain you

(Because my brain is melting.)

Today I received six separate spam e-mails with the header "Stop going to bars to meet people." Spammers do not know me very well (thank you, Queen of Stating the Obvious), as I don't even go to bars to drink, much less to meet people.

Other spam topics, both recurring and standalone, from today's e-mail check:

PHONES WITH RINGS ARE HOT

I thought phones with rings were...standard issue. I have never had a phone without a ring.

DO YOU NEED TO PULL MONEY FROM YOUR HOME

I need to pull money from somewhere. I suppose my home is the least offensive option.

GET YOUR CRIMINAL JUSTICE DEGREE WHILE YOU TAKE CARE OF THE KIDS

Are these two tasks related somehow?

THE ABSOLUTE HOTTEST TOY OF THE YEAR

Judging from the e-mail's text, the hottest toy of the year is a remote-control toy helicopter, perfectly safe for indoor flying. Hey, if the bat ever comes back, we'll have a trained air force all ready for it.

WHAT DOES YOUR CREDIT REPORT SAY

Plenty. But nothing I want to hear right now.

CURIOUS ABOUT WHAT YOUR CREDIT REPORT SAYS

Wait, I just said...no. No, I'm not.

WANT TO GET TO KNOW SOMEONE FIRST

Better than going to the bar, I suppose.